I know it is not quite summer but it is close enough for me to feel like it is already here. Usually, when summer is close I feel an overwhelming sense of relief and peace. This year, I don't have that feeling ~ in fact, I feel the complete opposite.
I feel very edgy and restless right now. There is something out there I need to do. If the past is any indicator of what is going on I think I am feeling the re-emergence of wanting to go out and make my mark on this world but this time is different. This time is magnified. I have a burning feeling in my stomach (and no, it's not an ulcer ~ thank you very much). It's a need to fulfill.
I felt a little like this when I started my Mary Kay business year and years ago. I wanted to go big! I wanted to be a top director. I wanted it all! But then I got pregnant and we moved to Germany. My priorities changed. I needed to focus on being a mama. The edgy, restless feeling of wanting to make my mark on the world faded into wanting to be the very best mama I could be.
It's been years since I felt this way and I have to say I am a bit disconcerted by how hard and fast I've been hit by my need to make my mark through something other than volunteering. In the past, I have used volunteer projects help to fulfill this need. I volunteer my services or chair some committee to fulfill any need I have to make my mark on the world. I complete the task or project and I feel fulfilled. I know I did what I needed to do and I did it well.
This time is different. I know I have something else I need to do. I want to go big. I want to be an writer---published and professional. I know this blog will be a nice gift to my kiddos when they are older and can look back on this year but I want something more. I will work through this summer of my discontent and I will keep working and working and working until I satisfy my edgy, restless feeling by writing and writing and writing. I want to show my kids it is never too late to go big!
Oh, for the love of my children...