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Monday, August 1, 2011

On Being A Selfish Mom

I have known since the day Zach was born I was destined to be a selfish mom.  I am greedy and selfish when it comes to my children and my family. 

...Selfish because I never wanted to share my kids.  I never wanted anyone else to raise them.  I brought them into this world and I wanted to be the one to raise them.  I didn't want a sitter or nanny or grandparent around on a daily basis.  I wanted them all to myself.  I was, and still am, selfish with my kids.

...Greedy because I just want more and more and more time with them.  I know that is not a reasonable possibility and I know in my heart of hearts that it can't happen that way.  I know they will grow up and start families of their own....someday in the far, far, far away future.  But, I have to tell you, I absolutely loved my time with Zach last week.  I was greedy as greedy could be.  I reveled (as much as I complained about it) in my time with Zach.  Zach asking me to play a game or watch a movie or give him a hug, gave me tremendous pleasure.  I hogged him all to myself.  I didn't go out much.  I didn't interact with many on the phone.  I just enjoyed my time with Zach, greedily.

I worry now, though, that I have created a bit of a catch 22 for myself.  I was selfish and greedy with my own kids.  Now will they, in turn, become selfish and greedy when it comes to their future families?  I was so selfish in the kid's early years.  I wanted to be our own little family unit.  I turned my parents down, on occassion, when they would ask to come visit.  I turned down my mom's request to come visit when I was due with Claire.  I needed us to bond as our own little family unit, I told her.  (I need you to know, though, that my parents came to visit us 18 times in three years.)  So what will my kids take away from my lessons on being a selfish mom?

Oh, for the love of my children...

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