As most of you know, I accepted a challenge from my friend and blogging partner, Julie Farley, to compete in National Novel Writing Month ~ also known as NaNoWriMo at http://www.nanowrimo.org
I don't think I've ever been more nervous about accepting a challenge. When Julie threw down the gauntlet on www.perfectmamasconfess.com, it took me days to screw up enough courage to respond. I don't think I'm one to shy away from a challenge...I challenged myself to be ready to compete in a half marathon five months after Claire was born and I challenged myself to do it again four years later. Those were two of the best decisions and challenges I've faced.
So, why this one was so hard for me to accept didn't hit me until today...
This is something I really want to do and I don't want to fail. Julie and I met yesterday to give each other encouragement and get our creativity flowing. We decided the way to get moving was to do a writing prompt with each other and this is what I wrote ~ please keep in mind this was written in eight minutes so the structure, grammar and cadence may be "off."
We decided to write about our feelings of being a bit "Lost" as we head into this month of writing a novel...
Right now I feel lost and discombobulated. Julie is giving us ideas for writing prompts ~ from making a list of favorite words to writing about journeys to favorite cities. And every thought ~ every shred of creativity escaped me as she was talking. How the hell am I supposed to write a 50,000 word novel if favorite words don't even come to mind? I love words ~ their meanings ~ their sounds, but right now - at this very minute they are lost. I am lost and need desperately to find myself - find my mojo and my love of words before tomorrow. I don't want to let myself down again. I don't want to lose the creativity that I know is boiling just beneath the surface. I don't want to lose the respect I have built for myself in the past (almost) year as I wrote something almost daily and felt pride in what I wrote. I don't like this feeling of being lost. I need to re-find myself and reacquaint myself with the focus and determination I have tapped into this past 10 months. Being and feeling lost are two different paths ~ the state of actually being lost is harder to deal with, I think, because it means you, or I, are truly lost. The state of feeling lost is where I am right now. I feel lost which is easier to overcome...it's just a feeling but it's mine and I need to overcome.
I think my feeling of being lost lapped over into my blog which is why you haven't heard from me in the past week or so...nerves took over and I wasn't sure I could do it all.
But overcome I will! Today I wrote over 10,000 words...
Stan and the kids are my four biggest cheerleaders. Stan made a "thermometer" so I can mark off levels of achievement. The first level was 10,000 words ~ I have filled in the bottom of the thermometer...my first goal. Claire was so excited to be able to fill in the bubble for me. Zach and Lucas more than impressed with my word count for the day.
I still feel a little lost and discombobulated but I also feel a tremendous amount of pride in myself for the work I did today. I still have a long way to go, and a short time to get there but I'm on my way. I couldn't have done it without the love of my children and Stan.